why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
