you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
