mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
