Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
