My friends, they love my intelligence
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
