and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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