meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
