im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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