You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
