i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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