life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
