she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
