Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
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