Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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