Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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