She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need to sanitize my soul.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
