dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
