my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
