6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
