I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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