God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
