My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
