I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
