when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sext me about skeletons
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
