I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
