Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
