I just cut my nipple shaving
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
