When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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