I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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