I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
