She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
