The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
