Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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