made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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