I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
