i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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