i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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