Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
