i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
