Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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