i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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