yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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