hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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