I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
