If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
tell me about the eggs
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
