I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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