New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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