does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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