i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
MIDGETS
????
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
