My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
