I wish my penis had an off switch
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
