it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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