so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
