dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
