theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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