I got chris browned last night
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
