We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
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Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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