party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
